Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2011

I am so excited to tell everyone about a project that I am participating in - Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. I was so excited to learn about this amazing project started by Heather author of Production Not Reproduction. This project randomly pairs up adoption bloggers (including adoptive parents, birth parents, and children of adoption) and they interview each other with the goals of introducing us to blogs and perspectives outside of our usual blog circles. This year, there were over 120 bloggers signed up to participate... Check out all of the interviews: 2011 Interviews (including my partner's interview with me!)



I was lucky to be matched up to interview Megan, author of Earth Stains. Megan was adopted at 2 months old in 1966. She began searching for her birth mother when she was 19 years old and first made contact with her birth mother when she was 31 years old. Megan blogs about her experiences, struggles and journey to find home - home with her adoptive family, home with her birth family, and home with the family she created. Immediately, I was moved by Megan's raw and honest posts. I learned so much from reading her blog and look forward to following it, and her journey, for years to come! So, introducing Megan... 

I thought it was really interesting to read your description of the difference between your thoughts about finding your birth parents and your brother Dale’s thoughts about finding his birth parents. When you were growing up, how was adoption discussed in your family?

A number of things come to mind.  As a child, here is what I absorbed

      The message from my mother: 

      “Adopted families are no different than other families." 

“You’re lucky to be part of our family.  My cardiologist told me not to adopt any more children, but we adopted you anyways and now you have been blessed to have been raised in the Church."

“I am the only real mother.  I’m the one who got up with you in the middle of the night.  I’m the one who read to you… Giving birth does not make someone a mother…"

“Your birth mother loved you so much she placed you for adoption.  She wasn’t married and so couldn’t take care of you.  Your birth mother probably doesn’t think about you.  She’s moved on and would not want to be reminded of you.  She’s not your mother anymore.”

In my late teens Mom changed her tune a bit, though.  “No wonder I had such a difficult time parenting you kids.  There were four different sets of genes, and four very different personalities.  It was a lot of work for me to meet your needs.”

I don’t recall receiving recognition from my mother that being adopted might present some challenges for a child.  For the most part, I think my mother’s attitudes about adoption were what she was told by the adoption agency. 

The message from my father:  

“You’ve been the apple of my eye since we brought you home.  You are a very sweet, beautiful girl. You brighten my day.   You’re smart like your [adoptive] mom.  She deserves all the credit for who you are.”  

My dad never crossed my mother, except for two times that I can recall.  Once he told me that certainly my birth mother thought about me often.  Another time he hinted that my emotional lows might have been due to my grieving for the lost relationship with my first mother.

I think that if my adoptive mother could have been able to concede what my father did--that perhaps being adopted affected me-- my mom and I could have had a closer relationship.

The message from my older sister Sarah:  

“You were a chosen baby and I wasn’t.  Mom and Dad had to take what they got with me, but they chose you.” 

“I’m the biological child.  I have a connection with Mom and Dad you’ll never have. “ 

“I resent that you look different than me.”

The message from my brother Dale:  

“I don’t want to talk about adoption.  You’re an ungrateful daughter for bringing it up.   Mom and Dad are the most wonderful parents ever.”

The message from my brother Sam:  

“We don’t belong to Mom and Dad.  I don’t feel loved.  But they owe me.”

Message from my parents and religious community:  

“Your parents took you to the Mormon temple and you were sealed together as an eternal family. Therefore, biological family doesn’t matter to you anymore.  Families that have been sealed together are superior to families that don’t have the temple covenants.”

Why do you think Dale and you had such different views?

1.  Dale was a boy.  I don’t know the statistics, but girls are more likely to search for birth parents. 

2.  We siblings took on different roles in the family.  My brother Sam became a very defiant, manipulative son who got into lots of trouble, with little remorse for his actions.  Sam got into drugs and alcohol at a young age.  Sam is likely a fetal alcohol affected individual.  My parents knew nothing about his birth mother’s history when they adopted him; they didn’t know he had special needs.  They blamed themselves for Sam’s out-of-control behavior and poor school performance.  My parents did not seek professional help for Sam until he was in his late teens. 

My older sister has bipolar disorder, and so was also difficult as a teenager. 

Dale became the perfect son to compensate for Sam’s mistakes.  He got good grades, was very athletic, and was class president in high school.  He made my parents look good.  In my parents’ minds, if adoptive parents do everything right, then children will not be interested in any other set of parents.  Dale tried hard to please my parents.

As the youngest child, my role in the family was to stay out of the way.  I was a compliant, high achieving child for the most part (like Dale was), but I didn’t necessarily have a desire to please my parents.  I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.  I supposed I did not feel as attached to my parents as Dale did. 

3.  Dale and I have different personalities.  He is very charismatic and everyone loves him.  He has lots of friends.  I am more introverted.  I don’t think Dale felt like he was on the social fringe the way I did.  The feeling of not fitting in contributed to my desire to search.

4.  Dale prefers to view things in black and white, including the teachings of the Mormon Church.  I’m always looking for symbols and deeper meanings.  I do not believe the Temple sealing obliterates biological ties.  It is symbolic, a reminder that all of the families of the earth can be united someday.  I see the temple as a means for making everyone one big family.  But Dale interprets the ordinance more literally.

In your football post, you talked about children of adoption being on their own on the field with their birth parents and adoptive parents on the sidelines.  What influences did you have to help you be able to play so well?

In addition to great genetics and a great upbringing, I had a supportive church community, inspiring school teachers and good friends; and I grew up in a free-thinking part of the nation.  But perhaps the biggest influence on my life is my relationship with God.  My spirit lived with God before I came to this earth, and he knows me intimately.  He has a purpose for me to be here.  I don’t believe it was accidental that I was born into this time.  I have always known that I was a Child of God and am part of His family.  Whether I had been kept or adopted, whether I have been treated well or ill, God’s final destiny for me remains unchanged.  He wants me to return to Him when I am finished with this life, and the atonement of His son Jesus Christ makes that possible.  I am here to learn how to align my will with God’s will.  I still have much to learn.  I am very grateful for God’s Grace that makes me more than what I could be on my own. 




How have your experiences growing up (as a child of adoption and in your experiences with your birth parents) affected how you parent your children?


When my children were being born, I wanted to have completely natural births and to breastfeed well into toddler-hood.  I had read that this would help me have a tighter bond with them.  There are many ways to bond with our children, but since I was able to give birth and breastfeed, I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to do so.  A lot of my friends took childbirth for granted and would just schedule c-sections and bottle feed, but I never took any of it for granted.  I think my wonderful birth experiences helped me resolve some of my adoption loss issues.

My adoptive family gave me stability and values.  I wanted to provide these to my own children.  I was very involved in PTA, etc. when my kids were young, just like my adoptive mother was.  I also have chosen to raise my children in the religion in which I was raised. 

I was a stay-at-home mom for 9 years, thanks to the influence of my adoptive parents.  When I met my birth mother at age 31, she inspired me to go to graduate school and to develop my career.  Mothering has changed for me now that I work full time.  I have to let the little things go.

In the adoption world we often talk about how every child has two components--nature and nurture.  We make equations for nature vs. nurture.  Some say it is 50% and 50%.  Others say it is 80% and 20%, and so forth.  I estimate it might be 30% and 30%.   I think there is a third component that makes up the other 40%—Choice.  I have tried to teach my children how to make good choices.   I try to help them see that they can set goals and choose happiness for themselves.  I believe that everyone is born with a conscience (LDS sometimes call this the Light of Christ) that helps us make good choices.  We need to learn to listen to it.  This helps me to be less self-critical as my adoptive mother was.  When my children go against my wishes I recognize they are making choices that can help them learn to be better, and I don’t blame myself quite as much.




I loved the Peru posts about your trip visiting your daughter. If your daughter made the decision to adopt, what would be the one message you would really want her to get about the experience of an adopted child?

Adopted or no, each child has a purpose for being in this world, and needs to be infused with that sense of purpose.  An adopted child needs to feel as much unconditional love as possible.  The child needs to be accepted for who he/she is, and not expected to satisfy the parents’ agenda.  Adoptive parents cannot show complete acceptance of the child if they reject or dismiss the child’s innate characteristics and biological origins.    




You wrote about being the subject of your birth mother’s blogging. I’ve heard lots of debate on both sides of blogging about a child’s life or keeping their lives/pasts private. When did you find out that your birth mother was blogging about you/her experiences? Did you read her blog? Did her blog have an influence on your decision to blog?

There was a three year period when my birth mother and I didn’t communicate.  It was not my intention to close off communication completely, but I set some boundaries because I felt like I needed more space.  She interpreted my actions as meaning that I was finished with the relationship.  That was in August 2008.   Her first blog post about me was published less than a week later.  I found out about the blog in October 2010.  We have now resumed communications, but it’s tense.  Jane’s blog is the most read birth mother blog I know of.  It’s called First Mother Forum.  I have read every post on FMF about me.  I am not treated respectfully on the blog, and my religion even less so.  Jane told me she blogged about our relationship so that she could educate her readers about adoption reunions.  In my opinion, she’s got facts wrong, and her psychoanalysis of me misses the mark.  She and I share different opinions about adoption, and I have felt like she used a distortion of me in order to advance her views.  It’s hard not to be resentful, but I’m working on forgiveness.

I started Earth Stains because I needed to get my story out there, told from my point of view.  I didn’t want to be used on someone else’s blog anymore.   In addition, I have found that most adoptee blogs tend to be places to vent, but not places to heal.  A couple of months after I started blogging I decided to focus more on health and wellness because I feared Earth Stains could become toxic.




What is the most positive thing that has come out of reuniting with your birth parents?

I understand myself a lot better.  My mannerisms, the way I approach problems, my sense of humor.  I feel more normal after meeting them.  There is a greater sense of connectedness with humankind. 

I am thankful to know the people from which I came, my birth mother in particular, because she was interested in having a relationship.  I am much honored that she wanted to know me.  When I first contemplated finding her, I thought there was a good chance she wouldn’t want to know anything about me.  I feared maybe I’d be in her way.  She took a big risk coming out of the closet so that we could have a relationship.




What is your most positive experience growing up in your adoptive family?

I am forever grateful to my adoptive parents for teaching me values such as integrity, morality, service, faith and love.  Without my values, I would not be who I am today.  I have fond memories of family mealtime, particularly Sunday Dinners.  We usually ate pot roast and potatoes on Sundays.  The food was so good.  I can remember we all had our place to sit, with Mom and Dad at each end, and the girls on one side and the boys on the other.  I got to sit next to Dad.  Every Sunday we’d get out the china, crystal, silver, and cloth napkins.  We’d practice our good manners.  After we finished eating we kids would stay at the table, because we knew dessert was coming.  Mom made apple cobbler and carrot cake a lot.  During those mealtimes I felt like there was order to my life, like I had a place in the family and a secure sense of belonging.